Depending on which elementary school you attended and when, you might be familiar with the world of cafeteria pizza. Whether you remember those mass-produced rectangles fondly or with regret and terror, it’s hard to deny that they were memorable at least. Now, in these modern times, Totino’s seems to be working on their own version of the stuff — yes, that Totino’s, the brand that’s famous for their pizza rolls.
We’ve actually already dipped into this line of products — not all that long ago, we checked out the three-cheese version. Today, however, we’re reviewing the Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza, a frozen food with some nice alliteration in the title. We appreciate that.
There are a few different ways to cook this, though the package is very adamantly anti-microwave. You can try the toaster oven or the standard oven, and the latter has an alternate version for those who want a softer crust. We thought softer crust sounded lovely, so we used the method that requires a baking sheet and a couple extra minutes of cooking time. Now, one thing we should point out about this cooking method is that our pizza stuck to the baking sheet pretty aggressively. We had to scrape at it with a fork to get it onto our plate. Other than that, though, everything seemed to work as advertised. (If you want to see the full cooking instructions, check out our package scans at the bottom of this review.)
While we’ve used rectangular school lunch as a reference point aesthetically, flavor-wise these are much closer to another frozen pizza, though we’re blanking on which brand it is (perhaps Jack’s or Red Baron?). This has a mushy cracker-like crust and a smattering of dried-out cheese on top. It also features a sweet, sugary sauce. Basically, we’re saying this isn’t a high-quality pizza — it’s more of an indulgence for when you’re really craving some cheap ‘za (we know this craving well).
Now, when you hear the word pepperoni, we won’t fault you for imagining round, flat slices. Circular pepperoni is an absolute classic among pizza toppings, after all. However, you won’t find any circles here. In fact, you might begin to suspect this pizza originated in the land of Plain Awful (from the famous Carl Barks comic story “Lost in the Andes!”), where round objects were declared illegal. This pizza would certainly pass the rigid standards of the Awfultonians.
As far as flavor, we barely even noticed the pepperoni. The portion size is stingy enough that pepperoni fanatics are definitely going to want to mosey on over to greener pastures (such as Devour’s Three Way Pepp).
On the Totino’s website, this pizza is referred to as a “pizza snack.” We’re guessing the reason for that is so they can pretend half a pizza is a full serving. That’s right, Totino’s, we can see right through your marketing magic!
If you stick with the snack size (half a pizza), you’ll be consuming almost 350 calories and 700 mg of sodium. If you are a normal human being and just eat the whole thing in one sitting, that becomes 690 calories and 1,400 mg of sodium. Yes, those latter numbers are what Totino’s is trying to distract you from by calling this a snack as opposed to a cheap lunch.
The Totino’s Pepperoni Party Pizza isn’t a top-tier pizza by any means, but it’s designed to scratch a very particular itch — and it does that pretty well. However, there’s very little pepperoni, and this thing is absolutely bonkers with sodium and calories. It is really cheap, though. At the time of this writing, Target had this exact pizza priced at $1.39 — that’s a tough price to beat.
To learn more about the nutrition content, ingredients, or cooking instructions for this Totino’s frozen pizza, check out our package scans below.
As a long time consumer of totino’s pizza, I felt the need to give this once classic staple in our house a farewell, forever. Just recently our family (including 5 teenage boys) bought our usually the pepperoni family box and the recipe is so different..so much so that our family will no longer buy them after 12+ years. It’s sad how these companies completely change these recipes, and they taste NOTHING like they once did, but yet still be able to sell these products under the same name, while never informing the consumer, but yet allowing them to pay for something under false pretenses. I don’t know, in my personal and professional experience, no matter how you slice it these are not just bad, but horrible business practices. Sincerely, A Former Consumer.
I purchase the totino 50 count and they were awful. I opened 5 and not one pepperoni inside not one. I never have eaten this product before and will not eat it again in the trash the bag goes.
I bought one of the three meat (“meat?” like the “cheese?” IDK) ones, on sale, and split it with my mother, along with a salad. We’re both poor – a couple of years ago, I was so close to becoming homeless that I had already lined up someone to let me store a couple bags of clothing so I wouldn’t have to take it into the woods with me. And Mom, well… she is in her 80s now, and has had a difficult life. Once, when she was a little girl, her and her siblings actually tried eating handfuls of grass, just to have something in their stomachs. As you can imagine, we do not waste food – but neither of us ate that pizza. I have literally dug more palatable meals out of dumpsters in the middle of the night, long after the restaurants had closed for the evening. At a guess, they were probably healthier, too.
Don’t. Just… DON’T. The phrase “not fit for man or beast,” had it not been in the lexicon for over a century, would surely have been uttered for the first time to describe this “food” atrocity. I don’t care how cheaply these things end up selling for, hard pass on it. If you’re that poor, buy a can of potted meat – yes, the stuff that actually has the words “food product” on its label so that you know that it really is – and beg a couple slices of bread from a neighbor. You have been warned. . . .