Do you ever have one of those days where you just feel like eating a whole pizza by yourself? We don’t mean because you’re hungry; we’re talking about those days where the existential dread of being a sentient organism on a spinning ball of rock tumbling through space becomes just too much to bear, so you decide to drown those feelings in an unholy amount of grease, cheese, and tomato sauce.
Well, folks, we’re having one of those days today. However, we realized there’s a way to have our cake (or pizza) and eat it too with the Red Baron Deep Dish Singles Meat-Trio Pizza. See, this is a personal-sized pizza, so a single person can be expected to eat the whole thing in a sitting. So we actually can sit down and eat a whole pizza without having the post-pizza guilt that comes with actually eating a full pizza.
But, since this box comes with two pizzas in it, we can always go back for more if we feel like pushing the envelope and testing our gastrointestinal fortitude.
Now, you can cook these pizzas in the oven if you’d like, but when the weight of existence is crushing your soul, it’s generally just easier to plop the thing in the microwave and be done with it. Thankfully, Red Baron lists out instructions for that too. You can read both the oven and microwave instructions straight off the box if you scroll down to the bottom of this review.
We have to admit, our pizza came out looking super weird. The top of this pizza looks like an alien landscape — this almost looks like something you’d expect to see on a sci-fi book cover from the 1960s. Admittedly, that’s partially our fault for microwaving this, but the package totally said we could and we used the included crisping sheet.
Of course, not every meal that comes out looking kind of weird ends up being bad. In fact, one of our favorite frozen meals of all time comes out also looking like an alien wasteland. But we do want to note the weirdness here, because we feel like Red Baron dialed it up a notch for this pizza.
Our crust ended up chewy in the middle but a bit too tough around the outer edge. We had to really push our fork down hard to get all the way through it. It tastes halfway decent if you can get past the fact that it’s really hard to chew.
There are three meats here: pepperoni, sausage, and ham. The pepperoni is chopped up into smaller bits for some reason. This is the round, flat stuff you’re used to, but the folks at Red Baron (perhaps even the Red Baron himself) decided to chop those circles up into small pieces. The pepperoni is fine, but it’s so barely-there that it only really exists to repel vegetarians. The same can be said of the sausage, which comes in tiny balls, and the ham, which comes in tiny cubes. We’d say that “just fine” is a decent description of the quality of this meat, though the small size means it all gets a bit lost in the shuffle.
The last time we reviewed a Red Baron pizza, we complained about the lack of sauce, but that was less of an issue here. While we’ll always take more sauce when given the option, this stuff carries the weight of the flavor of this pizza (which it must do because the meat is so tiny).
There’s also a smattering of cheese, but we’ve been so spoiled by the Lotzza Motzza line of frozen pizzas that we’ve become kind of cheese greedy. We would have loved more of it here.
One pizza contains 400 calories and 930 mg of sodium. Both of those numbers are kind of high — and they’ll get even higher if you scarf down the second pizza in the box — but we’ve honestly had much worse.
The Red Baron Deep Dish Singles Meat-Trio Pizza is just a weird thing. The pizza itself looks weird, the meat is weirdly small, and the consistency of the crust is weird. It’s not bad, but it’s just not what we were expecting.
Then again, we’re also in a weird mood today, so it’s possible that this is affecting our opinion more than it normally would.
To learn more about the nutrition content, ingredients, or cooking instructions for these Red Baron frozen pizzas, check out our package scans below.
